I really mustn't eat tomorrow. I want to be down at least 7 lbs by Saturday week, so I have to make sure I don't eat any more than 500 cals a day from now on. And I guess I should exercise, too.
Today the weirdest thing happened to me. I had to give back this book which I borrowed from our cantor and I said I'd make sure he had it for evening mass tonight. So I planned to go to adoration and evening mass but when I came into the church just before adoration I felt like leaving as quickly as possible. I felt awful but all I managed was to leave the book and a note outside the sacristy and then leave the church in a hurry. I feel really bad for this, it's like running away from your very best friend, like hitting them in the face, really.
The last few days have been quite good, I guess, I managed to lose a little more weight despite being at two barbeques this week (well ok, I admit I purged as much as I could and took laxatives before going to bed).
I think I'm about to become bulimic, as much as I purge. On Wednesday I even binged on purpose since I knew I could just purge after I'd eaten. Until now I have only been restricting but over the last few weeks I have been purging just a bit too much. And the worrying thing about it is that I can't help it. Whenever I eat I feel so guilty for eating that I have to purge to get rid of those calories that I just consumed. Well at least some of them, unfortunately it seems to be impossible to purge everything and your body starts to digest the food too quickly. I'm thinking about trying to chew and spit for a change but I'm kind of scared of that, so maybe I won't after all.