I hate these ambivalent feelings that inevitably come with an ED. I want help, I don't want anyone to know, I want to tell someone, I don't want anyone to worry about me, I want to be thin, I want to be happy with my body no matter how much I weigh, I want to be told I look skinny, I don't want people to notice I've lost weight, I love my ED, I hate my ED, I am thrilled to make it through the day with only 200 calories, I am depressed and feel out of control.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
This morning in mass I wondered if I even want to go to confession anymore. I haven't received the Eucharist for more than two months now because I haven't been to confession and I feel so guilty for my ED. But now I am wondering if I can even confess it at all because I don't really regret having an ED. And I'm not sure if an ED even qualifies as 'sin' per se, since I don't really have a choice, yet I still feel guilty. So maybe the priest couldn't even absolve me because I don't regret my eating habits, or he could because they're not really my choice anymore? I am so confused.