Why did I relapse?
This question has been following me for a while now and I'm still not sure I have an answer to it.
What I do know is this: Eating disorders have a close connection to control. So far my ED always appeared strongest at times when I felt most out of control. It appeared when I didn't know what to do, when I felt left alone, helpless, or controlled by others or circumstance. I believe part of my answer may lie in this: even though I felt really happy at the time my ED caught up with me, I believe now that I wasn't.
I am living in circumstances that allow me little control over my everyday life. I can't decide when I eat and what I want to eat. I can't decide when I want to get up in the morning (I can decide when to go to bed at night but that usually only leaves me sleeping too little). I can't decide much regarding my prayer life. And I can't just take a day off.
I am also living in a community that doesn't always value me and my strengths (to say the least... sometimes individuals were only just short of verbally abusive) and I often have a hard time accepting this. I don't know where the future will take me and it's not in my hands if I keep living this life that I chose. This is one of the hardest things for me: not being able to make my own plans and see them through, be it on the small scale of everyday life or on a larger scale when it comes to career choices or just my next holidays.
So now I am left wondering if maybe my relapse is a good thing because it makes me reconsider my choices. I am on the verge of quitting. I know my ED won't just disappear the moment I quit. It never is this easy. But at least I wouldn't have to lie to everyone each and every day pretending to be ok. At least I could make my own choices, big and small. I could try to find help without having to ask for money first because I'd have my own. I could go back to work (at least part time) and regain some sense of independence.
I am not young anymore and I feel like I've left it off for too long. Like I haven't got any options left if I get out now. But I guess that's not entirely true. There are always options. Maybe not the option to one day have a family - I don't feel ready for that any time soon, but biologically time is running out for me - but certainly the option for love, whatever that might look like. And there still is some time left to have a career, to travel, to spend time with friends. It's not too late for that.
The decision to leave hasn't been made yet but I feel that it may happen soon. I'm scared of leaving but as long as staying scares me more I suppose it might be the better choice.
If anyone is reading this please pray for me. I really need God's guidance in this and he has been uncomfortably quiet these last weeks and months. So knowing that someone else is praying for me would be really comforting.
