Maybe I'll donate blood this afternoon - always hoping that my iron levels are high enough. My faith is still the same, I do believe but I can't connect. It's a bit like I'm watching myself on TV.
Next week I'll be cooking for a children's camp which means it'll be pretty much impossible to not eat so I guess I'll just have to eat and not think about what I'm doing. Oh well, it's probably the healthier choice, anyway. Not the easier choice, though.

I'm feeling so incredibly lonely lately. It's like I'm deceiving everyone around me, it's all a mask, a role, a facade, nothing real on the outside, all smiling, but on the inside I'm crying all the time and just can't stop. Why does no one notice? Surely it must be impossibly to hide all this inner sadness and loneliness all the time from everybody? Surely someone must be able to see through my mask? I just need someone to hold me, to tell me I'm loved, I'm not alone, someone who will let me cry in their arms and who will dry away my tears until I fall asleep.
The only thing that is giving me some comfort is the fact that Christ suffers with me every little step of the way, He's been there before. But I can't feel Him, He still seems so distant, I just can't reach Him. And then - is He suffering my pain or am I suffering His? Am I maybe even adding to His pain? Is it all my fault?
And once again I'm about to cry.

I found this online community of people with EDs. They are really supportive (in a good way - they don't encourage anything seriously mad or suicidal but care very much about each other) so I decided to join them. I'm not sure if this is a very wise decision since if could be triggering but for now it's just what I need - people to whom I can talk and who really and truly understand me. The site is actually part of the pro-ana movement (pro-ana doesn't mean promoting anorexia or thinking it's a good thing, but rather support for those who have it and helping them to find a way of living with it as well and healthily as is possible) which I used to dislike but find more and more helpful as I find out more about it. Yes, it's not really helping people to get better but it is helping them to not get worse and come to terms with how their life is instead of how it could be. This is a lot when it comes to EDs if you ask me.

Why does meeting friends and socalising necessarily have to be linked to food? I don't want to lose my friends just because of my ED but what can I do if meeting them means barbecues, dinner invitations or going out for lunch? I'm not sure which feels worse - not meeting them or eating. I usually choose eating because this way I can tell myself that I still have power over my ED... But I feel terribly guilty which again induces me to purge or take laxatives. This can't be good.
And of course, I don't just write this without reason. I'm going to a barbeque tonight with three other friends (and since there's only four of us there's no way I could not eat - they'd be bound to notice) and I'm dreading it already. I really want to meet them and have a good time but on the other hand I really don't want to eat.

EDs and social life don't mix well. :(

Either malnourishment is finally taking its toll or I'm just having a fairly bad day. I'm feeling very slight and dizzy today, and when I went shopping earlier this afternoon I had trouble standing up straight every time after I had picked something up from the lower shelves. Funny, seeing that I am no where even close to being underweight. But I guess malnourishment isn't necessarily linked to weight, especially not when you were really overweight like I was.
It's wonderful to feel so light-headed, though. Makes me feel like I can just float with the wind, and it makes me feel rather pretty.
Oh yeah, my faith is still shaky but it's definitely getting better. I talked about it to a friend last night which really helped and also last weeks holiday did quite a bit for me spiritually.
I desperately need someone to talk about my ED but I guess it's in the nature of an ED that you can't really talk about it. Just the thought of someone else knowing about it sends me running away, let alone the thought of people being worried and trying to make me eat. I think I'd rather not talk and be left alone. Nothing's worse than being forced to eat, and I really don't want to offend my friends by not eating (and as long as they don't know about my ED it's quite easy to avoid meals or eat very little). This is one of the reasons why I started to blog here - no one will know who I am in real life yet I can still talk about it. And maybe, just maybe, I can help others who suffer from an ED with it... But that's probably just a very vain hope.

I'm feeling a little dizzy right now. Maybe that's because I had too much coffee today.
The weirdest thing happened Saturday night on a party - two boys fancied me and got really jealous over each other, that's never happened before (no one ever fancies me, and two at once is a real first). Was very nice, though. I didn't fancy the younger one of them, he made me feel rather old... But the older one was really nice, and at some point we ended up holding hands (I felt sorry for the other one, he was so disappointed). Nothing happened, though, cos I felt I couldn't do it. He would have liked it but fortunately didn't push me. But it felt sooo good to know that they actually thought me attractive and sexy and erotic and all that. I never see myself like that so it's very nice to know that maybe I'm not a hopeless case after all.