There is a slight possibility that I might have just started another anorexic phase - it's been three days since I last threw up and also since I last ate anything that wasn't liquid. I found out that it's much easier not to throw up if I don't eat anything substantial. So now it's soup, juice, tea, diet coke and, of course, water.
Anyway, last week I met up with old friends from university and one of them said 'Wow, you got super-skinny, just don't lose any more weight'. You can't imagine how happy this made me. I know I'm pathetic but it's so good to know that this time someone actually sees when I've lost weight.
When I fist got my ED when I was 15 I lost about 60 lbs and no one ever noticed. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my friends, no one. Yes, some of them commented on how good (!) I looked but none of them saw the extent of it. When I told my mother a few years ago how much weight I actually had lost she didn't believe me. Sad but true.
I'm quite happy that I haven't been throwing up for several days now - it's so much easier to cope with not eating than it is to cope with throwing up. :)
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Saturday, 20 February 2010
I'm definitely bulimic - I've been eating and throwing up so much over the past few months that there's no way I could continue to pretend that I'm not bulimic. It's not exactly easy to admit this, though. I hope that I'm going to go into another anorexic phase soon as I find it much easier to cope with not eating than with binging and purging. I hate myself for eating and I hate myself for throwing up, I have lost whatever control I thought I had, and nothing seems to work to stop me. I loathe my body, I despise myself for completely and utterly lacking any self-discipline, and I hate the fact that I can't just let it all go and love myself the way I am. I feel like I want to die but I can't even muster the strength to starve myself to death. Not that it's really an option anyway. :(
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Thoughts at night
Is it really possible to love oneself?
Whenever I look at myself all I can see is fatty, flabby bits - my thighs, my stomach, my calves, my upper arms, my breasts, my back... I wish I could be thin and skinny. And even more, I wish I could be thin and skinny and know and see that I am thin and skinny. But I am not and so I am disgusted by the looks of myself.
I wish I could sleep throught the rest of my life so that I wouldn't have to look at myself and hate myself anymore. I wish I could just die and all would be over.
But God won't let my die and so I'll have to live.
Whenever I look at myself all I can see is fatty, flabby bits - my thighs, my stomach, my calves, my upper arms, my breasts, my back... I wish I could be thin and skinny. And even more, I wish I could be thin and skinny and know and see that I am thin and skinny. But I am not and so I am disgusted by the looks of myself.
I wish I could sleep throught the rest of my life so that I wouldn't have to look at myself and hate myself anymore. I wish I could just die and all would be over.
But God won't let my die and so I'll have to live.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
It's been ages
I'm really sorry I stopped blogging for such a long time. I haven't really got a good excuse except maybe that I've been quite busy and that I had to think about things for a bit.
I had to quit my last job in July which also meant I had to leave where I was living at that time and leave all my friends there behind. I had a new job lined up starting September, a wonderful job and just what I had been looking for except for the fact that I had to move back to my home country.
Anyway, I did move back in the end, had a summer which I really wouldn't want to re-live - I've never been this homesick in my life, and my ED had me back... I started my new job in September and for the first time in months I did something which I didn't regret once ever since: I told a psychologist that I have an ED and that I need someone I can talk to.
Usually I feel ashamed for my ED - I'm not thin enough to be called anorexic, I'm not binging/purging enough to be bulimic, and anyway, I'm by no means brave enough to tell a doctor about my ED so I could get diagnosed. In one word, I'm not even any good at having an ED. So I told this psychologist about my ED and he listened and talked to me, and we agreed that I'd see him regularly.
For a while I thought I'd actually manage to get better with his help but so far my ED is as strong as it ever was - I starve, I binge, I purge, I use laxatives and I hate myself and my body. But at least there is someone I can talk to, someone who doesn't judge me, someone who just takes me as I am. I might not have been able to overcome my eating habits so far but I haven't been depressed for more than a day or two in a row since mid-September. I am so greatful for this, I still can't believe it's true.
Regarding my faith I've had a new thought lately. God might not talk to me anymore and I can't feel Him, but He seems to be speaking to others through me. It's weird but there were quite a few people recently who came up to me to thank me for what I had said because it had helped them in their faith. God works in mysterious ways... I wish I could hear His words again, but at least He hasn't completely forsaken me and is using me in such a beautiful way. I'm not sure how long I can keep going on like that, without God, in darkness. I still need Him so much and I yearn for Him every day. I don't know how I can go on for more than another step or two without His help but then I have to trust in Him even though I deem myself unworthy of His help.
I'm not sure where this is all going to lead me - so please, God, guide me, push me where You want me to be, and if necessary kick me, punish me, but please don't ever leave me. I need You and I wouldn't be here anymore without You.
I had to quit my last job in July which also meant I had to leave where I was living at that time and leave all my friends there behind. I had a new job lined up starting September, a wonderful job and just what I had been looking for except for the fact that I had to move back to my home country.
Anyway, I did move back in the end, had a summer which I really wouldn't want to re-live - I've never been this homesick in my life, and my ED had me back... I started my new job in September and for the first time in months I did something which I didn't regret once ever since: I told a psychologist that I have an ED and that I need someone I can talk to.
Usually I feel ashamed for my ED - I'm not thin enough to be called anorexic, I'm not binging/purging enough to be bulimic, and anyway, I'm by no means brave enough to tell a doctor about my ED so I could get diagnosed. In one word, I'm not even any good at having an ED. So I told this psychologist about my ED and he listened and talked to me, and we agreed that I'd see him regularly.
For a while I thought I'd actually manage to get better with his help but so far my ED is as strong as it ever was - I starve, I binge, I purge, I use laxatives and I hate myself and my body. But at least there is someone I can talk to, someone who doesn't judge me, someone who just takes me as I am. I might not have been able to overcome my eating habits so far but I haven't been depressed for more than a day or two in a row since mid-September. I am so greatful for this, I still can't believe it's true.
Regarding my faith I've had a new thought lately. God might not talk to me anymore and I can't feel Him, but He seems to be speaking to others through me. It's weird but there were quite a few people recently who came up to me to thank me for what I had said because it had helped them in their faith. God works in mysterious ways... I wish I could hear His words again, but at least He hasn't completely forsaken me and is using me in such a beautiful way. I'm not sure how long I can keep going on like that, without God, in darkness. I still need Him so much and I yearn for Him every day. I don't know how I can go on for more than another step or two without His help but then I have to trust in Him even though I deem myself unworthy of His help.
I'm not sure where this is all going to lead me - so please, God, guide me, push me where You want me to be, and if necessary kick me, punish me, but please don't ever leave me. I need You and I wouldn't be here anymore without You.
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