I hate myself. Today I made myself eat, so I had cauliflower for lunch and for dinner I ordered pizza and had some ice cream as dessert. Now I feel like a cow but I can't purge. Sounds silly, I know. And it's not like I ate because I want to eat and get better but because I want to lose more weight. So I need to keep my metabolism at a good rate which means I have to eat every now and then. I feel awful, depressed, sick, and I really really hate myself for it.
On top of it all I slowly seem to be losing my faith. No, wait, I'm not even sure you can call it losing my faith at all. I still believe in God, and I still believe all the stuff that you believe when you're a Catholic. But today in mass I realised I'm not sure anymore if my faith has any meaning for my life. I couldn't pray, my mind just went blank when I tried. Oh God, who am I going to turn to if not to You??! Help me!
And all the time I just want to bend over the toilet and get rid of all the food that I ate today.
Oh yeah, and if that all wasn't enough now my mother got suspicious - I once told her about the last time I had and ED and since then she freaks whenever I lose a little weight. I think I managed to calm her and said that everything was fine. I hate to lie. But it's not really helping either of us if she worries - she's worrying more than enough anyway so I really don't want to add to that. I'd really want to get better just for her sake and so that I can save her some worry. But it's not going to work like that, and if I don't want to get better for my own sake nothing's going to change. And fortunately I don't live with my parents anymore so my mother won't know everything. I just worry about going home every few weeks - I just can't hide my body from her so she's bound to notice if I've lost weight.