Christ died on the cross for my salvation.
This idea was horrifying for me to think about. He DIED for me and my sins, and all I can do is starve myself, hate myself, create my very own hell. I felt like He died in vain for me. It actually made me cry to think about the greatness of my sin, not the sin of starving myself but the sin of not being able to accept the sacrifice of His life for me.
I know how I've said that I need to go to confession. This is still true but I feel I can't go. I do repent, I do want God's forgiveness, but on the other hand (here's my ED speaking) I know I can't say that I want to change my ways. One part of me wants to get better but there's this other part of me where I am scared shitless to gain weight, to eat. The part that wants to throw up after every bite I eat is the very part that keeps me from the confessional. I just feel it wouldn't be honest to make an act of contrition when I know that I mean it with only half my heart.
Anyway, I've been thinking about Christ's suffering and death a lot lately, partly because I'm revising for my finals and partly because the cross kept imposing itself on me.
Over the last few days I realised what it means to say that Christ died for me. Yes, He died for me and my salvation, yes, He died because of my sins. But He not only died for me and because of me, but He died with me, too. When I feel like I'm in hell, when I'm in pain (which is, of course, my very own fault), then He's there with me, He's hanging on the cross right next to mine, He sees my tears, He cries with me, He knows my pain. Yes, it is all my fault. But He does not leave me there to die. No, He bows down to me, He joins me in my self-inflicted suffering simply because He loves me more than I could possibly understand, enough to suffer with me and die for me.
Understanding this gives me such strength, such hope. My ED is still there (I thought I was a little better over the last few months after I managed to keep my weight the same for several weeks but it came back in a blow over the last weeks) and I still feel terrible at times but at least I know I'm not alone anymore. He's there with me, crying with me His 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me'. I am not alone in my pain, and even more, I am loved. Loved not as I should be but loved just the way I am. I am loved even with my ED.
Thank God for this.