My old friend Mia

So, after a while of restricting my old friend Mia has decided to join me today. I felt her coming on last night and today I just crumbled, didn't have the strength to fight her. So I binged and purged for lunch and dinner and now I'm just feeling horrible. This is what Mia does to me. But at least purging is still no effort whatsoever, even after all those years without purging I can still just lean forward and throw up without even having to stick my fingers down my throat or anything like that. So at least it's not physically painful. I guess I ought to be grateful for those little favours, right?
Other than that I'm considering painting again. A verse from one of the psalms has been resonating with me for a bit now and I feel that putting it into something a little more tangible like a painting might be sort of therapeutic. Well, maybe I'll get a canvas during the next days and start expressing the darkness that's inside of me, who knows.

Just a little step but at least a step

I met with a friend over lunchtime and managed to eat 8 pieces of sushi. Not big ones. But 8. And I didn't throw up afterwards - thought about it briefly but in the end I actually didn't feel the need to. This is feeling almost too good to be true.
Yes, I know that I wouldn't have managed to eat anything if I had been alone. Just imagining having to decide what to get gives me shivers and makes me want to run away. But my friend was there and so I couldn't run and in a way I didn't even want to run. I'm really happy about this.

Out of control

I really really want to eat. I think about food so much, I've even taken to watching food videos online (might be triggering for some, I know, but somehow it's really satisfying for me atm) but whenever I open the fridge I just can't eat. I've been craving cheese for a few days now and we've got plenty in the fridge. I take it out and look at it and then put it back - not because I'm so wonderfully in control but because I'm so incredibly out of control. Every now and then I decide to eat, either because I'm not alone and it cannot be avoided or because I'm sane and realise it's the only sensible thing to do when I'm about to faint. But I can't eat. I simply can't, even though I actually might want to. I managed to eat plain lettuce but today I couldn't get myself to eat anything else. Whenever I'm with company I just munch on a tiny bit of food forever and push around anything else on my plate. So far I've got away with this but I'm not sure for how much longer this can go on.
Last night at mass I actually fainted (managed to sit down just in time and then had to wait for my hearing and vision to return for quite a bit) but I still find it impossible to eat. It feels like it's completely out of my control. This is so scary.