Guilt

Right. So I had a fairly good week during which I restricted only occasionally and only threw up when I really couldn't cope. And then that week was over and I'm back to restricting properly. The really annoying thing about both weeks is the guilt, though. First I felt guilty for not restricting enough and not throwing up enough and now I'm feeling guilty for restricting and even more so for lying. It's not even a real lie. I blame the fact that I'm not eating on my allergies. And I am having a bad time with my allergies but it's not nearly half as bad as I make it out to be. But at the moment this is what I do because it allows me to eat very little and only the stuff I feel good and safe about. Like oats in water or plain rice or certain types of fruit and veg. Not too much of anything, of course. Using my allergies as an excuse is also a great way of keeping myself from bingeing - since the others know that I can't eat certain things it helps me keep myself under control because I have to keep up appearances. But of course, guilty feelings ensue.
I wish I could just live with my ED without all the guilt. I know that my ED is not something I chose and that I'm not to blame for having it. But this is just the rational side of it. Whenever I don't eat it certainly feels like a choice, like I could have eaten and been fine about it. My mind knows that that's not quite true and that EDs don't let you be 'fine about it' (or about anything, come to that). But emotionally my ED makes me believe that it's my choice, that I could just snap out of it if I really wanted to. This is what makes the guilt unbearable and uncontrollable. My guilt is not a matter of objective reality but a matter of perception and somehow I can't get a grip on this.
Sometimes I've got a couple of good hours when I don't think about it, when I feel ok about myself. But then it's mealtime and the guilt kicks in and I start loathing myself for feeling guilty and the loathing makes me feel like I have to punish myself for being such a messed-up person. The punishment is, of course, to not allow myself to eat. Hunger is a great way of keeping my vicious circles running wild. Which, in turn, makes me feel guilty.
And no, confession doesn't seem like an option to deal with this sort of guilt. I know very well that it's not even a sin to have an ED (ED = no choice = no sin), and as for the lying - I do regret it but I also know that I will do it again - so I couldn't even get absolution for it.