It's been ages

I'm really sorry I stopped blogging for such a long time. I haven't really got a good excuse except maybe that I've been quite busy and that I had to think about things for a bit.

I had to quit my last job in July which also meant I had to leave where I was living at that time and leave all my friends there behind. I had a new job lined up starting September, a wonderful job and just what I had been looking for except for the fact that I had to move back to my home country.

Anyway, I did move back in the end, had a summer which I really wouldn't want to re-live - I've never been this homesick in my life, and my ED had me back... I started my new job in September and for the first time in months I did something which I didn't regret once ever since: I told a psychologist that I have an ED and that I need someone I can talk to.

Usually I feel ashamed for my ED - I'm not thin enough to be called anorexic, I'm not binging/purging enough to be bulimic, and anyway, I'm by no means brave enough to tell a doctor about my ED so I could get diagnosed. In one word, I'm not even any good at having an ED. So I told this psychologist about my ED and he listened and talked to me, and we agreed that I'd see him regularly.

For a while I thought I'd actually manage to get better with his help but so far my ED is as strong as it ever was - I starve, I binge, I purge, I use laxatives and I hate myself and my body. But at least there is someone I can talk to, someone who doesn't judge me, someone who just takes me as I am. I might not have been able to overcome my eating habits so far but I haven't been depressed for more than a day or two in a row since mid-September. I am so greatful for this, I still can't believe it's true.

Regarding my faith I've had a new thought lately. God might not talk to me anymore and I can't feel Him, but He seems to be speaking to others through me. It's weird but there were quite a few people recently who came up to me to thank me for what I had said because it had helped them in their faith. God works in mysterious ways... I wish I could hear His words again, but at least He hasn't completely forsaken me and is using me in such a beautiful way. I'm not sure how long I can keep going on like that, without God, in darkness. I still need Him so much and I yearn for Him every day. I don't know how I can go on for more than another step or two without His help but then I have to trust in Him even though I deem myself unworthy of His help.

I'm not sure where this is all going to lead me - so please, God, guide me, push me where You want me to be, and if necessary kick me, punish me, but please don't ever leave me. I need You and I wouldn't be here anymore without You.