I'm feeling so incredibly lonely lately. It's like I'm deceiving everyone around me, it's all a mask, a role, a facade, nothing real on the outside, all smiling, but on the inside I'm crying all the time and just can't stop. Why does no one notice? Surely it must be impossibly to hide all this inner sadness and loneliness all the time from everybody? Surely someone must be able to see through my mask? I just need someone to hold me, to tell me I'm loved, I'm not alone, someone who will let me cry in their arms and who will dry away my tears until I fall asleep.
The only thing that is giving me some comfort is the fact that Christ suffers with me every little step of the way, He's been there before. But I can't feel Him, He still seems so distant, I just can't reach Him. And then - is He suffering my pain or am I suffering His? Am I maybe even adding to His pain? Is it all my fault?
And once again I'm about to cry.